Self-Love: The Ultimate Love Story
If you were to show up in your life from a place of unconditional self-love interdependent on anyone or anything external, what changes in your life would you make? Self-love is the doorway to liberation and freedom, and there is no one-way ticket or formula to get there. This deeply personal and individualized process consists of taking one step in front of the other, each step walking you closer to the familiar state of home and unconditional love that can only be discovered from an honest deep dive within.
When we think of love, we often think of the idealized manifestation of love by finding someone or something outside ourselves to prove that we are deserving and that we are lovable. However, we focus little attention to the foundation that must exist to know this love within ourselves before we are able to offer and receive this authentic and unconditional love to another.
Bell Hooks, author theorist, educator and social critic references in her book "All About Love," society has a significant role in modeling and romanticizing love that can at times feel fleeting, superficial and disposable. The majority of what we associate with the meaning of love begins within our childhood homes in which we are raised and the relationships we form. Love cannot be present if grown-ups whose parents do not know how to love. Such children learn early on to question the meaning of love. Many are cared for. However, very few have experienced unconditional love that is not based on achievement, production or a feeling of transaction.
Love is our inherent state. Love is an action. Love says show me all that you are, and I will show you how lovable you are and always have been. Love exists within us and the person sitting next to us. I am of the belief that as humans we are created by love, and we are here to offer this love to a world that is so desperately craving unity and connection. Even with the best of intentions, our actions can fall short in loving another when the love we have for ourselves is inconsistent, fractured or buried within the deeply subconscious negative beliefs of Self.
These beliefs, often initiated in childhood, become the lens from which we see ourselves and the world around us. Once we accept these beliefs deep within our subconscious mind, we set out to confirm these beliefs to be true through the interactions and relationships in our lives. We will reenact situations and relationships that play out the belief that we are “unlovable,” or “unworthy.” These negative cognitions make it challenging to bravely open ourselves up to a love that requires transparency, vulnerability and laying down the armor to show another exactly who we are, not who we are presenting ourselves to be.
The journey to self-love involves examining the stories that we have adapted as our own that have disconnected us from our own inherent worthiness to be accepted and loved as we are. We are bringing to light the shadow aspects of ourselves that we have hid away, the parts that we were told are undeserving, different or shameful. These are the parts that deserve the most compassion and love, as they developed out of necessity in our childhood and beyond as a means of survival. These are also the parts that society or our environment has deemed less deserving or worthy.
Many brave individuals walking this planet have been divinely placed within their family system as the cycle breaker assigned to heal intergenerational trauma. Society is craving authenticity, connection and unconditional love more than ever before. Each person that finds themselves on this admirable and humbling journey serves as a bridge and example of the possibility of freedom and liberation as they bring to light the parts of themselves they were also told to hide away. When we accept ourselves, all parts of ourselves, we are better able to authentically accept and encourage others to do the same. We are laying a new foundation for the next generation looking up to us to experience life with the advantage of seeing the world from the lens of acceptance and love. Self-love beings in the home.
Create and maintain boundaries. This is crucial when examining the relationships in your life in the context of your own self-love. Ask yourself do these relationships support or distract from my most honest, loving and authentic expression of Self? We can love and accept others for who they are, yet be mindful of the access and proximity of these relationships in our lives. Family does not automatically mean having access in our lives or tolerating unhealthy behavior or patterns. By identifying and healing these patterns, we actually have the highest probability of allowing our loved ones before us the same opportunity, if they choose. Seeking individual therapy and trauma therapy that utilizes somatic-based approaches such as EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Ego State Therapy are highly evidenced based and effective in treating complex trauma and attachment patterns.
Treat your body like you love it. How you move your body, how you fuel your body, what media you consume, your environment, how we rest, all have an impact on the heavy load our bodies and minds carry each day. Your body is always sending messages and communicating with you. Your body is the wisest messenger and often will communicate to you long before our logical mind is aware.
Identify interests and curiosities that you are naturally drawn to. This allows the more playful, creative side of ourselves to take front and center, often interests we can trace back to childhood. What did you enjoy doing when you were younger? What were you drawn to, what lights you up?
Make one small promise to yourself each day. When working towards short-term or long-term goals, identify a promise, even seemingly small each day, is actively showing up for yourself. This is equally, if not more important than how you show up for loved ones in your life. Showing up for yourself is an act of self-love.
Full transparency. Self-love means being brave enough to embrace the vulnerability that comes with openly expressing your needs, feelings, what is working for you and what is not, without the fear of rejection or abandonment. The more we are able to be fully transparent and honest, the more others are able to follow our lead. The more we love ourselves, the less approval or understanding we crave from others.